Tolle Fors
by Akikofuma
Summary: Sequel to "From Day 1" THIS STORY CANNOT BE READ ALONE. Jim is picked to travel to New Vulcan as Star Fleet grew wary of the tight lipped ways of the Vulcans, losing trust in their alliance. Jim accepts the job, not only to help the Federation, but to also win the love of his life back. Prime!Spock is not mentioned, Amanda survived.
1. Arrival

Two year had gone by. Two agonizing years. Jim thought he would never get through the first few weeks. But here he was. Two years later, on his way to see the one person he thought he would never see again. Now that he was going to get that chance, he knew exactly what he was going to do. After all, he had had two whole years to think about how he would act if he ever got a chance to be in his presence again.

* * *

Bones said he had gone through the five steps of grief, like someone would after their loved one died. Jim didn't believe him at first. It sounded ridiculous. Spock wasn't dead. He had left him. He was still alive, somewhere on New Vulcan, probably working day and night, living his life as if nothing had happened. After all, this was the second time he had left him.

But then, Jim realized that he was going through exactly that. He was grieving. Alive or not, Spock was gone, and he had taken a part of the human with him, and that part was missing, leaving a huge part of Jim dark and hollow.

The first step was denial. And Jim had denied for a long time. Denied that Spock was gone for good, that he didn't _really_ leave him. That he'd come back any minute, realize that it had been a mistake. It took him months to realize that he was, in fact, in denial.

His parents begged him to leave the house he and Spock had lived in, but Jim just couldn't. If Spock returned, and he was gone, he would never be able to fix things again. After a while, his parents let it go. It was obvious that Jim was not going to move out.

The second step, according to his best friend, was anger. While he was still in denial, Jim hadn't understood why he should have been angry. But when the denial faded, the core of his pain hit him hard. He wasn't ready to deal with it. But the pain didn't care if he was or not. It was there, and it wasn't going anywhere.

At first Jim was only angry in general. It would burst out of him, causing him to throw things, break anything he got into his eyes. He had to replace his furniture more then once. Then, his anger focused itself on Spock. The Vulcan had left him, had hurt him _again. _The human didn't understand how it had been so easy for his lover, the one he believed to be the love of his like, the man he would grow old with, to walk away once more. The thought alone made Jim want to fly to New Vulcan and punch Spock in the face. Hard.

He began snapping at Bones, his parents, anyone that crossed his way and dared to talk to him. His anger was like a burning fire, eating him from the inside, and no amount of alcohol, of comfort giving from his friends and family could sooth him. Thinking back, Jim was sure this was the hardest time for everyone around him.

Jim realized the next step on his own. The next step was bargaining. Jim spent days sitting on top of his bed in the house Spock had bought, going over the scene of when Spock had left him. Wishing that he had acted differently. If he had only not refused, if he had simply gone with him, if he hadn't turned the Vulcan down flat out, then it might have been different. That if he had never actually spoke his mind so harshly, then it would have turned out okay. He would have spent his life with Spock on New Vulcan. And then maybe things had been different.

Jim's anger was now focused on himself. He hated himself for what he had done. That he had chased Spock away with his stupidity and childish behavior. He firmly believed that all of this was his doing for the duration of this phase. That everything could have been changed, and that he had ruined it. Only countless nights of drinking with Bones finally brought Jim to the next step.

Depression hit Jim like a tidal wave, and as the water retreated into the sea, it took Jim with him. He was drowning with the pain he felt. He couldn't breath. Nightmares were steady company in his sleep. The moment that shattered his heart replaying in his mind. Another dream showed him the dead body of his former lover, dead and cold on the dusty ground of the desert, green blood steadily seeping into the ground.

He had returned to work by this time, commanding the enterprise. He suffered privately. On the bridge, he was his normal charismatic, cheerful self. But in the privacy of his quarters, he spent hours staring at the ceiling, too afraid of his nightly terrors to close his eyes. He covered up the dark circles with, as embarrassing as it was, make up that he had picked up on earth. He knew Bones suspected that he wasn't doing as well as he lead on but Jim was able to quickly crush those suspicions with a glass of scotch and a night with the guys.

However, when he was alone Jim had frequent panic attacks that could only be soothed by the one thing he had taken from the house. One of Spock's sweaters, that had long lost the Vulcan's scent, was his security blanket. He wore it every day, though only in the secure four walls of his quarters. And whenever the pain, the agony, and the terror became to much, he would slip into the sweater that was at least two sized too big and imagined he could smell the Vulcan's scent on it, that Spock was only a few steps away, busy working, and he was waiting for him.

His depression was what stayed with him the longest. Months and months he spent in darkness, darkness he never thought would leave him. But one day, he hadn't even noticed it at the beginning, he didn't feel it anymore. His world had brightened. His life was better. He had progressed to the next, and final, step.

Acceptance.

Jim had accepted that Spock was gone. That he was going to have to live without him. And that his life was just not going to have the Vulcan in it.

Just when he had reached this acceptance, this relief, Admiral Pike had called him into his office.

Star Fleet had suddenly started worrying about the Vulcan's. They had grown tired of the tight lipped nature of the aliens, that had gotten even worse after the incident that killed so many of their people.

The most prominent fear was that the Vulcan's no longer trusted Star Fleet, or believed in their cause, and would turn their backs on their allies. And while Vulcan's were, in general, a peaceful race, they were a force to be reckoned with, if they ever decided to do something that was not in favor of helping Star Fleet.

Star Fleet wanted to secure the relations between the Federation and the Vulcan's, and learn more about them. Just in case, Admiral Pike had said. Jim found the entire idea of Vulcan's breaking out an all on war ridiculous. If the other Vulcan's were anything like Spock, that was not going to happen.

But Star Fleet had lost it's patience with the Vulcan's. They wanted answers, and they wanted a man on the inside. And they had picked him. Not only because he was charismatic, smart, and somewhat good at politics if he had to be. But because they knew that he had once been in an 'intimate relationship' with a Vulcan, meaning he already had some insight. They deemed he was the perfect man for the job.

Jim struggled with the decision that they had made at first. Not knowing if he could even be on the same planet as Spock without having a nervous break down. Without the pain coming back. He debated the issue for days. And suddenly, he had had a revelation.

He had never actually gone after Spock. As a child, that had been impossible. He couldn't have just hopped onto as ship and gone to Vulcan. But he had been able to go after Spock when they broke up. Spock had always looked out for him. Always made sure he was okay, always initiated everything that was important. That first meld. The first kiss. Quitting his job in order to stay with him. Buying them a home.

The Vulcan had, with a few exceptions, handled everything. Now, it was time for Jim to take the first step. He called Pike only seconds after this notion. He was going to New Vulcan. Not only to do his job. But to win back the man of his dreams. The love of his life.

He was going after his dream.

* * *

And here he stood, staring into Space, minutes away from setting foot onto the desert planet, where he would no doubt be greeted by Sarek, and maybe even his wife. Jim had no illusion that Spock would be there. The Vulcan was as stubborn as a mule. He wasn't going to welcome Jim back with open arms. He would have to work for it, and Jim had every intention of doing so.

"Mr. Kirk? We are ready to beam you down now, Sir. The Vulcan's made it a point that we would only bring you and your luggage to the surface."

Jim grinned. From what he had heard, Star Fleet had been hard pressed to come to an agreement with the Vulcan's. Pike himself had told Jim that it had taken months to get the alien race to accept another human on their planet, one to investigate them. Jim only knew of one other human living on Vulcan permanently. Spock's mother.

He had no doubt that she would play an important figure in his life from now on. Jim wasn't sure how long he was going to stay on Vulcan. It would take as long as it would take. Jim's orders where to find out as much about the Vulcan culture, their beliefs, their intentions, and whatever else he could and report back to Star Fleet. He wasn't to thrilled about his mission. He didn't like the idea of spying on the Vulcan's. On the other hand, he was much too curious to turn it down. He wanted to learn about Spock's people. About his home. About him.

"I'll be in the transporter room in a second. My suitcase is already in there, I hope?"

"Yes, Sir."

Jim took a last, deep breath before making his way to the transporter room. This was it. He had arrived.

"Ambassador Sarek." Jim greeted politely as he looked into the stoic face of the Vulcan, knowing better than to offer his hand in greeting.

"Jim Kirk." Sarek replied quietly. "My wife has been eagerly awaiting your arrival."

"It is a pleasure to be here, Sir." Jim said, putting on his brightest smile. It was obvious, at least to him, that Sarek didn't think of having him here as a pleasure. But Jim didn't budge, starting back into black eyes that were drilling into his face.

"It is an honor to have you here, Jim." came the soft voice Jim knew all to well.

"Lady Amanda." he said, his smile growing more genuine at the sight of the human.

"Oh Jim, we've been over this. You're supposed to call me Amanda." she smiled, stepping closer to the male, looking up at him with the sweetest of smiles. She looked a little older then she had when he had last seen her. Small wrinkles around her eyes that hadn't been there before.

"Sarek, why don't you let me show Jim to his room? Its already late, I'm sure whatever you had planned can wait until tomorrow." Amanda spoke softly, smiling at her husband. Sarek arched a brow, exactly the way Spock always had. Jim couldn't help a small smile. So this is where his lover had gotten it from. His father.

"That is acceptable. I bid you a good night, Jim Kirk." With that, the Vulcan spun around, his robs billowing around his tall, thin frame, walking away swiftly.

"I'm sorry about that Jim. He's..."

"Not happy with me here." Jim grinned, completing her sentence. "Though he would deny feeling anything of course."

Amanda laughed, a joyous, melodic sound.

"Yes.. well, the entire counsel is not too happy with this but they will get used to it. They didn't like having me around at first either. But Sarek supported me in every way he could. And I'll support you. Come, I want to show you my garden." She beckoned for him to follow her, and Jim was all to happy to comply, leaving his suitcase standing where it was. He would pick it up later.

Of course he knew that he wasn't being lead from the open hall to the garden to look at pretty flowers. Amanda wanted privacy. And her garden would grant them that. So Jim followed her into her garden, the heated air of the night caressing his skin as he sat down next to Amanda, that had chosen to seat them all the way in the back of the garden.

"How are you doing Jim?" she asked quietly.

"I'm okay. I really am. I wasn't for.. a long time. But.. for now, I'm doing fine." Jim smiled weakly. "I'm not sure what Spock told you what happened two years ago.."

"Nothing at all." Amanda replied, sighing quietly. "I thought you two were getting married. The next thing I know is him standing in front of me, telling me you two had separated and he was here to help. That was all. You know how he is. Just like his father."

Jim chuckled, nodding slowly, his lips curling into a soft smile. "Yeah. I know how he is. Truth is.. I didn't want to come and live here while he helped. Maybe it was selfish and I did this to us. But.. I wouldn't have been happy. I would have blamed him for having to give up my career, and other things among that. He was right to leave my sorry ass behind."

"But you're here now, Jim. What changed? I mean.. I assume you want him back?" she asked, placing a hand against his face, her eyes filled with worry. Not only for her son, Jim realized. But also for him.

"..A lot changed, Amanda. A lot changed. I realized he's my life. I knew it before, but didn't. I know it sounds stupid, and not very logical. But.. yeah. I need him around. And I just let him go. It feels like its my turn to try and sort things out. I want to give this another try."

"Its not going to be easy." she answered, resting her hands in her lap. "You know that, right?"

"I am fully aware that Spock has no intention of taking me back, Amanda. That he'll be too afraid to hurt me again, or to get hurt himself. But I have to try. I can't _not _try. And if it doesn't work out well.. At least I tried. I just need to try." He sighed, rubbing his face, looking up at the night sky, resting his hands in his lap, mimicking the female's posture. "How's he doing Amanda?"

"When he came back. He wasn't Spock. He wasn't my child, Jim. He looked like Spock, he walked like Spock, he talked like Spock. But he wasn't Spock." Amanda sighed, her hand reaching out to touch Jim's.

"Mother?" The voice made Jim jolt, jumping to his feet. Amanda turned her head.

"Spock, dear." she said quietly, standing to walk towards her son. The tall figure was still standing in the shadows, but Jim didn't need any more then the sound of his voice to know it was Spock. His Spock.

"I see our guest has arrived." Spock said smoothly, taking one step out of the shadows, finally gracing Jim with the chance to look at his handsome face.

"I have. And in one piece." Jim answered, almost afraid that his voice would break. Spock was just as beautiful as Jim remembered him to be. All dark haired and tall, sharp features, and black eyes.

"Mother. It would be advisable for Captain Kirk to retire to his rooms. It is late, and the counsel will call on him early tomorrow." Spock turned his gaze from Jim, tilting his head downward to look at his mother. "I assume you have not showed him to his rooms yet."

"Not captain anymore." Jim threw in. "I quit that job." His words earned him a short flash of confusion from the Vulcan's face, that was quickly replaced with a blank expression.

"No, Spock, I haven't. Could you do that for me? It is very late, and I am quite tired. I would like to lay down, and his room is on the other side of the house. It would be much easier on me if I didn't have to make the walk there and back." Jim had to cover up a chuckle by faking a cough.

"Its the..air. Kinda dry. Gotta get used to it." he quickly said, forcing another fake cough while he covered his mouth.

Spock quirked a brow, and Jim could see the utter annoyance with the task he was given. But Jim didn't expect anything else. He had known it wouldn't be easy.

"..Very well, mother. I will escort Cap- Mr. Kirk to his rooms." The Vulcan looked at Jim, silently telling him to follow him. Jim quickly complied, walking past Amanda who gave him a quick wink before departing from them.

Spock silently lead Jim back to the hall, where the human quickly picked up his luggage, and then resumed following the Vulcan. The silence was uncomfortable, the air filled with tension, and Jim struggled to keep up with the quick paced steps of the taller man.

"So. How have you been?" he asked, trying to break the silence, to do something, anything against this torturing feeling. "Anything exciting happen?"

"My condition is satisfactory. There were no events worthy of reciting to you." came the bland answer.

"I see." Jim said quietly.

"You have quit your job." Spock suddenly said.

"Huh? Oh yeah. When I was offered this job, I couldn't really still be a captain. So I quit. Why do you ask?"

"..You made a wrong decision." Spock said, stopping in front of a big wooden door. "You should not be here. It is not the place you should be at. You have no business on this planet."

Jim sighed, taking a step towards the Vulcan.

"Why don't you let me decide that for myself. I made a decision that I think is right for me. I can always go back to being a captain after this. This is my decision. And its the right one for me, at this time."

"...I am right to assume that my being here was a factor in your decision, if not the only thing that mattered?"

"Yes Spock. You were part of my decision. Not all of it, but a part. I was sick of flying through the universe without having someone.. without having you to come home to. I found out that being a captain is great and I love it. But. Its not enough. It doesn't complete me. You do. I've come here to learn more about you. About your people. And yes. I came here to get you back. Because.. in the end. You're all I want."

Silence once more laid heavy between them. Jim waited for Spock to speak, to say anything. He had said what he wanted to say, and it was his turn to wait.

"Jim." Spock's voice was quiet, letting his name hang in the air for just a few seconds. Jim could have sworn he saw the Vulcan's posture relax for just a moment before once more going rigid.

"We have been through this before. The result.. left no room for doubt. We are not compatible. Therefor I will ask you to nor pursue me. I ask you to do what you have been ordered to, and to return to being a captain. There will never be any relationship between us again. There are your rooms. A bedroom with an adjoining bathroom. You will find them to be supplied with anything you might require. Good night, Mr. Kirk."

Jim stared at the Vulcan's broad back as the alien made his quick retreat, shaking his head with a soft grin. If Spock thought he was going to give up so quickly, he was mistaken. He wasn't going to give up just like that. He would give his best. And if Spock still turned him down then, then he would accept it.

He opened the doors, entering the room that would from now on be his. It was big, bigger than any room he had ever lived in. It was open, big arches giving sight of the area around. Oddly enough, there was no glass in those arches, just curtains that Jim could pull closed. The furnishing of the room was.. spartan, at the best. A bed, a desk and a chair, a small wardroom to keep his clothes in. Nothing like the home he and Spock had made for themselves back on earth. Jim shook his head. He wasn't on earth, and he wasn't with Spock. He could live with this just fine.

He made his way into the bathroom, which was just as simple as the bedroom. A bathtub with a shower head attached to the wall so it could be used as a shower, a toilet, a sink and a couple of towels. Jim sighed, rubbing the back of his head. He was almost uncomfortable unpacking his things, adding a personal touch to the bland room. It wasn't until he had undressed and crawled into his bed that he noticed something sitting on the desk.

Jim rose once more, heading over to inspect the object that he had overseen before. Once he could make out what it was. A grin spread upon his face, and if happiness couldn't produce light, he would have been lighting up the entire room.

On the desk lay a book he knew all to well. The tales of Peter Rabbit.

It seemed he wasn't the only one that was still in love.

* * *

Morning came with an unbelievable wave of heat. Jim woke, already sweating into the sheets he had covered himself with during the night. He was craving water, his mouth dry, his skin slick with sweat. He needed to drink and shower. He sat up, whipping the sweat from his forehead when another smile appeared on his face.

A pitcher of water and a glass sat on his desk, probably a courtesy of Amanda. Jim was truly blessed with her support, and his appreciation for her grew even bigger than it had already been. He stood, not wasting time by pouring the water into the glass, but drinking it straight from the glass pitcher until his throat didn't feel perched any longer.

He then moved to the bathroom, taking his morning leak and shower. He was then faced with the question of what to wear. Wrapping a towel around his hip he moved to his wardrobe. He had packed fairly thin clothing, knowing just too well how much Vulcan's hated the smell of sweat. But he was already sweating again, with just a towel wrapped around his body, and he obviously couldn't go to the meeting naked. That would have caused an uproar, and maybe a heart attack for one certain Vulcan. Vulcan's didn't appreciate showing a lot of skin either, covering themselves carefully with robes, leaving only their face to be seen.

He looked at his clothes and decided that long sleeves were out of question. But he would have to stick with long pants. But there was no sense in covering up more and then sweating his ass off. He also decided to not wear underwear. The more fabric he was wearing, the hotter he would be.

So he quickly applied some deodorant, hoping that would ward off the worst, slipping into a think pair of cotton slacks and a black t-shirt. Just as he finished, someone knocked on the door.

"Come in." he called, quickly helping himself to more water, waiting for the door to open. To his big surprise, it was Spock who entered his room.

"Mother has requested your presence at the breakfast table."

"You look like she forced you to have breakfast. You're pouting." Jim answered, grinning at the Vulcan.

"I do not pout." Spock answered. "She sent me to escort you to the dining room. I would advise you to comply with her wish. Quickly."

"Yes you do. You totally pout. You get that cute little worry line between your eyebrows whenever you're upset. I'm ready to go, just lead the way. Oh wait, is this okay? Or will the Vulcan counsel hate me the second they see me like this?" Jim asked, still grinning wildly at the man he loved.

"..It is acceptable." Spock answered, motioning toward the door. Jim nodded, moving to stand close to Spock. When the Vulcan turned, Jim gently touched his shoulder.

"Thank you. For the book. It was very thoughtful of you to put something in my room that makes reminds me at home." he said quietly, ignoring the way the Vulcan flinched away from his touch. "I really appreciate it."

Spock turned to look down at the human. Jim could almost see the thoughts crossing the Vulcan's mind, his brain working to find an answer.

"You are.. welcome." he finally said, turning away from Jim once more, leaving the human with no other option then following him.

"Good morning, Jim." Amanda chimed as they entered the room. Jim had to hold back a laugh. The table was filled with food that came from earth, and a very uncomfortable looking Sarek sat next to his wife. "Come on, sit down boys, the food is getting cold!"

"Yes Ma'am." Jim said, still trying very hard to keep a straight face as he sat down next to Amanda, Spock claiming the only empty spot left between Jim and Sarek. "Thank You for the breakfast."

"Of course dear. You need a proper breakfast. After all you are going to meet the High Counsel in a little. You need your strength." she smiled, starting to serve herself to some food the second Jim had started doing so himself. "Sarek. Spock. Eat. You are being rude."

"I do not require any more strength for the meeting, Amanda. Eating when it is not required to keep up my nutrition is not logical." Sarek answered, avoiding eye contact with his wife. Once more Jim had to hold back a grin. Never in his life had he thought that Sarek would be afraid of anything, much less the wrath of his wife.

"His logic is sound, mother." Spock said, backing his father up further.

"Spock. Sarek. Eat your breakfast." came the cold reply. "I will not watch you disrespect the only human guest we have had here in over 15 years."

"Mother, I can only repeat-.." Spock's words were cut off my his mother standing, walking around to stand between her husband and son, starting to pile up food on their plates, all while being stared at in what would have been horror if the two men had been human.

"Eat." she commanded, sitting back down. Jim couldn't help it. The sight of Spock and Sarek staring at their plates is what had to be disbelieve made him chuckle, though he once more covered the offending sound up by faking a cough.

"Its the dry air..." he hastily explained as both Spock and Sarek looked at him. "Just gotta get used to it."

Spock nodded, slowly grabbing his fork to start his meal, Sarek following his son's lead only seconds later.

Jim smiled. Maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as he had thought. Now all he had to do was speak to the counsel, and get them to let them peek into things they considered holy.

..This was going to be every bit as hard as he had imagined.

* * *

Yay! First chapter of the sequel, up in fall as I promised. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please leave a review and tell me what you think.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	2. Quick briefingupdate

So. Here's the thing.

Yes, Amanda is alive. Was I going to explain it?

Yes. I was going to in the next chapter. No, I didnt explain it in the first. Why? Because I thought of it more as a prolong, more as a teaser, to let you guys know WHERE things are going. Just like that.

Now. I'm already working on the second chapter, or really the first since the first was more of a prolog.

It'll come with the explanation.

F anyone would like to go „Omg you're not sticking with the original plot. Buhu."

I mentioned Amanda had died in From Day 1. YES. But I didn't actually confirm the death.

So, for all of you that are confused or upset, or such. There will be an explanation.

Good we got that covered.


	3. Approval

Jim had finished his breakfast before anyone else had. He had always been a nervous eater. Whenever he felt pressured, and he couldn't drink or simply relax under a hot shower, he ate. Amanda was watching him carefully as he shoved more and more food down his throat.

"Mr. Kirk." Spock finally spoke out. "I believe that if you eat another piece of bread, you will suffer quite uncomfortable consequences."

Jim blinked for a second, but then nodded slowly. Now that he took a second to pay attention to his body, he realized that he was indeed full. He was about to reply to Spock when a young Vulcan entered the room.

"Sarek, Spock. You are needed." the man said, not wasting time with the normally quite formal greeting ritual that Vulcan's considered to be quite important, making whoever this was almost painfully rude. But the Vulcan's did not seem to mind, they stood quickly, not saying a word as they departed.

"Looks like you got some more time." Amanda said quietly, smiling at Jim as she stood. "Come on. You need another shower and new clothes."

"..Its that bad is it?" Jim asked, looking down at itself, noticing the prominent stains caused by his profound sweating. "God Amanda.. How do you not melt?"

"Well I'm used to it now but.. come on. I have something to help you." she smiled, hurrying Jim into his room. "Get into the shower, clean yourself as if you were about to have someone look at every inch of you naked. I'll be back."

Jim grimaced, complying with her orders, standing under the shower for longer than he ever had, scrubbing at his skin furiously, making sure that he would not smell of anything but the soap he was using. The sound of a door opening and closing alerted him to the presence of the only other human on this planet.

He got out of the shower, drying himself off, wondering if she would just lay clothes for him in front of the door. To his surprise, Amanda walked into the bathroom, making Jim sputter, quickly covering his groin with the towel.

"Amanda!" he blurted out, staring at the female in disbelieve. "What the hell-.."

"Oh Jim, you have nothing I haven't seen before. Here, take this." She handed him a little tin. "Its a creme I used when I first got to Vulcan. It stops you from sweating but only for a few hours. You're still going to feel hot, even hotter now that you can't sweat to cool yourself off. But if you go to see the counsel the way you came to have breakfast you won't get anywhere. Apply it to your entire body. I'll get the places you can't reach."

Jim stared down at the object in his hand, slowly opening it. The creme was colorless, but it smelled like the soap he had been using to shower. He dipped a finger into it, finding that it was almost liquid, but didn't feel all too uncomfortable.

"Thank you Amanda.. I swear I don't normally sweat like a pig, I'm just nervous." he turned to look at her, giving her a lopsided smile before applying the cream to his body, rubbing it into the skin of his arms, chest, and (after turning around so that Amanda couldn't see his jewels) legs. Amanda quickly moved to apply the substance to his skin.

"Amanda.. can I ask you a question?" Jim asked quietly, now covered in whatever Amanda had given him, moving to his bedroom to throw on the next best pieces of clothing he could find, desperate to not spend another second naked next to the mother of his ex boyfriend.

"Of course Jim. Here, let me get you hair while you ask." The female made him sit down on his bed, running her fingers through his hair, trying to flatten it out at least a little. "The better you fit in, the easier it will be, believe me."

"You survived. The fall? You survived it." Jim said quietly, making the woman stop her movements.

"..Yes Jim. I did. What of it?" she asked, sitting down next to him, her expression puzzled as she looked at him.

"When you came back to Sarek. That first moment between you two, when he realized you weren't dead, that you were alive. Did he... react? Like.. anywhere close to how a human would?"

"You're asking me this because Spock didn't react the way you had wanted him to." she sighed, gently taking Jim's hand into her own. "He reacted like you knew he would. But not the way you wanted him to."

Jim sighed, shaking his head, then giving a helpless shrug. "I just. Did Sarek react, Amanda? I just need to know."

"He did. I won't tell you how. Its too intimate to share. But yes, Jim, he _did_ react. And it was one of the most beautiful things I have witnessed in my life. I know its hard, Jim. I know being with a Vulcan isn't easy, and living with one on their planet doesn't exactly make it any easier. But.. dear boy. Being loved by a Vulcan is something no one else can understand. Nobody that hasn't made the experience can see just how beautiful and special it is to be with a Vulcan. You have to be patient." she smiled, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. "It'll be okay. Spock, as much as he denies it, and pushes you away, still loves you."

"Yeah." Jim sighed, rubbing his face. "This stuff, how long will it keep me from sweating again?"

"Two hours, maybe three. If you feel that you are starting to sweat again, ask them for a break. Play into their superiority complex. Tell them you are just a human,and you need a break. Negotiations with the High Counsel can take hours, if not days. You'll need to come back and re apply the cream."

"Any more advice? I could use it." Jim sighed, laying his head back to look up at the ceiling. "I knew this was going to be hard. I didn't think I was going to be this nervous."

"You'll be okay. Just remember to stay polite, and try not to show any emotions. They'll think you're weak when you do. Play nice, but show that you mean business. That you won't go away if they ignore you." Amanda said, once more trying to tidy up Jim's hair. "Also.. if you get into a tight spot. Ask Sarek why he married me. That will help."

"Why would asking him that help? I think its more likely he'll hate me for the rest of eternity if I do." Jim said, trying to hold still as not to ruin her work.

"He won't like it, but he will be forced to answer you with the only answer there is. And with that answer, you can win them over. But don't get cocky if you do actually throw logic back into their face, Jim. Whatever they offer you, however small it may seem, accept it. Appreciate it. These people's ways are more set in stone than anything I have ever seen in my entire life. You'll need to take what you get. Baby steps."

"Yeah. Amanda, how did you survive? I mean. That drop.. it was brutal. How did you do it?" he turned, looking up at the female kneeling behind him, that had been smoothing out his hair.

"..I don't know Jim. I woke up.. covered by dust and stones and.. my whole body hurt. But I knew.. I knew I couldn't die. That Sarek, and Spock, needed me. That it wasn't my time to go. So. Despite my every muscle aching, and my head spinning.. I got up. And through some miracle... There was another ship that had somehow gone unnoticed by the Romulan's. They swept the surface for vital signs and they found me and saved me seconds before Vulcan was destroyed. And here I am, today, looking after you because I knew I had a reason to live." she smiled, gently stroking the young man's cheek. "You don't survive for yourself, Jim. You survive for the ones that need you."

It took a second for the words to sink in,for him to really understand he meaning. But somehow, her words made sense. More sense than a lot of stuff others had told him before. You don't survive for yourself. You survive for the ones that need you.

"Mr. Kirk, you have come before the High Counsel with a request like none before. We fail to see the logic behind it. We have been allies with the Federation for a long time. It seems curious to us why they would send someone to investigate now."

"High Counsel, we are not investigating. I am here to learn. So that the relationship between humans and Vulcan's can be improved, so that we can cooperate better, so that we have a better understanding." Jim said, intertwining his fingers as he spoke, keeping his face blank. "We do not mean to pry, or to judge the Vulcan ways. We just want to learn."

* * *

"We have given your people all the information necessary. Asking for unneeded information is illogical." a tall woman said.

Jim knew he was fighting a losing battle at this point. Hours had gone by, and no matter what he said, they always circled back to this. He hadn't wanted to do this, but now he saw that Amanda had been right. He would have to beat them with their own logic.

"Ambassador Sarek. When Vulcan and Earth first established contact, you married a human female. May I ask why?"

A quiet uproar spread through out the room, hushed voices whispering into each others ears, while Sarek stared down at Jim as if he was about to jump over the table that separated them and kill him.

"If I am informed correctly, you found it to be logical to marry a human, as it would make it easier for your people to understand my race. And the human government happily accepted you onto our planet, and gave you the chance to learn. So, wouldn't it only be logical for my government to want the same insight, especially after everything that has happened? Now, I do not want to wed a Vulcan. And that was certainly not a part of my orders. But I came here to become familiar with your culture as you became familiar with ours. It is only logical that we wish to be informed, just as you wished to be informed when we met. The human government, Star Fleet in general, has been very patient with the Vulcan race. But you must face the fact that you are now an endangered species. My people want to help in every way we can, but we can't do that if we know nothing about your people. I am not saying that is the only reason I am here, but it is a part of it. So, are you in fact saying, High Counsel, that your decision long ago, that Ambassador's Sarek decision, was in fact illogical and therefor wrong?"

Silence followed. Jim had to fight down a grin. After a few more hushed whispers, the woman that had spoken before directed her attention to him.

"..Mr. Kirk. The High counsel has decided that you will receive a guide. He will answer your questions. And he will guide you through our cities. That is all we can offer."

"Thank You, High Counsel. I appreciate your offer greatly." Jim said, slowly standing up, bowing his head in respect.

"Your guide will come to you at a later time. Live long and prosper, Mr. Kirk."

"Live long and prosper, High Counsel."

"So, how upset is he?" Jim asked as he was standing next to Amanda, watching her cook lunch.

"He is a Vulcan, Jim. Vulcan's do not get upset." Amanda countered, grinning lightly. "..Its not too bad, I think. I also think he knows I told you to ask. It will be okay. I'm sure they will give you a great guide. And you'll love walking through the city, it really is beautiful."

"I don't know if I'm looking forward to spending my time with a Vulcan I don't know." Jim said, leaning his back against the counter top. "I honestly seem to have a talent for pissing them off."

"You'll do fine. The Counsel will pick someone that will be able to handle being around a human for a large amount of time. Probably one that has already spent a lot of time with humans. Maybe someone that lived on earth for a while. ...Come to think of it that sounds a lot like..." Amanda was interrupted by another voice arising.

"Mr. Kirk. I was chosen to be your guide." Spock said, his face so still that his lips barely moved when he spoke. "We will start our tour of the city tomorrow morning. I will wake you as soon as the sun rises, so that the temperatures will be acceptable for you."

Jim's jaw dropped as he blinked, turning to look at Amanda who just gave a helpless shrug. So he turned back to Spock, swallowing hard, giving a nod.

"I'll uh. I'll be ready."

"Spock honey, lunch is almost ready why don't you-.."

"I am needed elsewhere mother." was the last thing the young Vulcan said before practically bailing out of the kitchen.

They spent a second in silence before Jim somehow regained his ability to speak.

"..So how pissed off do you think _he_ is now?"

* * *

Dinner was a quiet affair. A very quiet affair. Amanda tried to keep up the small talk, but when faced with two upset Vulcan's, not even Amanda could break through the walls of silence.

Jim couldn't really take the silence, so he finished his dinner quickly, thanking the female for the wonderful dinner, and retreated into his room.

Spock. Spock was going to be his guide.

He didn't mind spending time with Spock, he didn't. But he knew Spock would mind being his guide. The time they would spend together would only add to the tension, it would do nothing for his goal of slowly soothing the Vulcan back into the idea of being with him.

As night fell, Jim was still wide awake. He didn't know what to do. His mind was racing. He couldn't ask for another guide without angering the High Counsel. But he couldn't accept Spock as his guide without upsetting the Vulcan. He was screwed.

So in an effort to calm himself, so that he would maybe be able to get a couple hours of rest, he decided to go into Amanda's garden, breath in the scent of the flowers, hoping it would calm his mind.

The garden was deserted, as Amanda was probably already fast asleep, sleeping next to the man she loved. Jim smiled at the thought. He remembered Spock falling asleep next to him, and he would watch the Vulcan for hours, until he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer and fell asleep on his chest.

Jim took a deep breath, letting the air out in a long sigh, closing his eyes as he stood in the middle of the plants Amanda tended to so carefully every day. The scent's were almost overwhelming, mixing together, leaving his senses wide open. A soft breeze was going, gently caressing his face. The perfect place to think.

Spock had no doubt tried to fight being his guide. He could picture the Vulcan's stoic face, trying to get out of the tedious task of teaching Jim the Vulcan ways. No doubt Sarek had tried to help him. Jim had the odd feeling that Sarek blamed Jim for his son's suffering once he returned to his home planet. And Jim's question during the hearing certainly hadn't helped the cause of getting the elderly Vulcan to like him.

But the Counsel hadn't budged. He wasn't sure if he was really going to learn anything with an angry Vulcan teaching them. On the other hand.. Spock had never let his emotions get into the way of his teaching back at the Academy either. But would that change now that his only student was the man he was upset at?

"It would be advisable to rest before your journey tomorrow." a calm, steady voice said. Jim turned, looking straight into the face of the man that once was supposed to be his father-in-law.

"Sarek." Jim said quietly, nodding slowly. "It would be. But I fear I can't sleep."

"You are troubled." Sarek said quietly. "Walk with me, Mr. Kirk."

Sarek passed him, and Jim followed him. They walked in a comfortable speed, staying silent as they passed through the garden until they reached the place Amanda and he had sat the night before.

"You are troubled because of my son." Sarek said, lowering himself to sit, motioning for Jim to sit next to him. "You are worried because of your previous relationship."

"I'm that easy to read, huh?" Jim asked, sitting down next to Sarek. He wasn't sure what the older male wanted with him. Why he was taking time out of his day to talk to Jim.

"It is only logical. Your relationship did not end the way either of you intended it to. And now you are being forced to spend time together. Spock will of course teach you to the best of his abilities but I can.. understand that a certain level of discomfort will come from this, for the both of you." Sarek said, his gaze fixed onto the night sky, avoiding any eye contact.

"Well. Yes, I guess you could say it would be uncomfortable. Look, Sarek.. When I asked what I did. I did not mean to offend you in any way." Jim replied, running fingers through his hair. "The Counsel wasn't going to let me do anything.. So I resorted to the only thing I knew would have to work."

"Turning our logic on us." The Vulcan nodded. "It was a wise action, Mr. Kirk. One that was no doubt inspired by my wife. Amanda has always been.. determined to improve the relations between Human's and Vulcan's. She believes that we are not too different."

"She's a smart woman. But I know I overstepped a line by mentioning your personal life. And I apologize for that. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think it was absolutely necessary." Jim sighed, his head hanging as he continued. "And now Spock has to spend time with me, something I truly believe he does not want to. Its understandable. I just wish they had chosen someone else."

"Spock is a smart man, Mr. Kirk. He knew that he was going to be picked. The High Counsel believes that because of the intimate relationship you and my son were once in, he would be able to.. find out the real reason as to why your government has sent you."

"They don't trust human's much, do they? The High Counsel?" Jim asked, turning to look at Sarek.

"We prefer to keep to ourselves, Mr. Kirk. Some of our rituals will offend your people. They will not understand, they will not see things as we see them. And while I believe that the quarrels that will arise from this issue will not be great, they will still be quarrels." Finally, the Vulcan moved his head, now looking back at Kirk. "We have tried to avoid this."

"There will always be quarrels when two different cultures meet. I'm sure my being here didn't really make the High Counsel like or trust my government any more. But I strongly believe that Vulcan's and Human's could achieve unbelievable things if our bonds were stronger. I understand that some things are too private to talk about, Human's have similar taboo's. I will give you my promise that I will only pass on the information I feel is appropriate."

"None of the information you will receive is appropriate to pass on in our eyes, Mr. Kirk. But I appreciate that you will censor out whatever you can. However, as you know, Vulcan's cannot lie. If we were to be asked if this was all, we would have to answer with the truth." Sarek quirked a brow, giving Jim a questioning look. "Withholding information might cost you your career, Mr. Kirk. Are you willing to give that up in order to make my people more comfortable?"

"I am." came the immediate reply. "I am willing to give up everything I have if I can help your people even just a little. You have been through a hard time as it is. My snooping doesn't exactly make it better." Jim paused for a second, turning his gaze back to the sky. "When I was with Spock. I learned just how important it is to your people to keep certain things private. And while I was always curious, I respected that need. I agreed to go on this 'mission', if you want to call it that, because I know that another would push and prod and snoop around without any consideration of your people."

"And you feel that you were better fitted for this task as you have already learned to respect certain boundaries and know what you can and cannot ask at the given time." The Vulcan's gaze traveled over the humans body, before he finally spoke again. "When I was informed that you were going to be the human to investigate our culture, I was sure you were only interested in getting my son back. Now, while I believe that is also a part of the reason you came, I understand that you are also here to help. Not only to improve the communication between Human's and Vulcan's. But also to ensure that my people are not pushed too far. And for that, I thank you, Mr. Kirk. I came to a wrong conclusion, and I apologize. You are a better man then I had deemed you to be."

Jim blinked, surprise evident on his face as he stared at the Vulcan that was calmly looking back. He didn't know how to react, what to say, or if he should just take the man's words silently. He shook his head, a small, lopsided grin appearing on his face.

"Thank You, Sarek. I am glad that you do not think badly of me. I just hope that Spock isn't too.. unsettled by having to spend so much time with me. I don't think he hates me, mind me, but it is understandable that he doesn't really want anything to do with me anymore. He did tell me not to go after him again. That we weren't meant to be. But I simply can't just give up. I can't just be here and not at least try. I love Spock, Sarek, with every fiber of my being. I'm not ready to give him up."

Sarek sighed, his fingers intertwining, resting on his lap as silence overtook them once more. Minutes went by until Sarek stood, not facing Jim.

"Spock is a trouble young man. Always has been, Mr. Kirk. I can only tell you this: My son has never been as happy as when he was with you. And he has never been more distraught when he was not at your side." And with that, the tall man walked away, leaving Jim to ponder his thoughts.

* * *

Morning broke, and Jim felt like he had been hit by an 18-wheeler. He had barely slept, dark circles around his eyes impressive evidence of that fact. Despite the early hour, it was already hot, about as hot as Jim could find enjoyable. Without doubt, the later it got, the hotter it would be, the sun burning down onto him mercilessly. So he showered, applying more of the cream Amanda had given him, and sticking it into the pockets of his pants. He wouldn't be able to apply it to his entire body while they were gone, but he could at least put some onto his underarms if the effect should run out before they were back.

He had barely finished dressing when he heard a soft knock on the door. Spock had always had impeccable timing. Jim walked over, opening it, just to find Spock standing in front of him.

"My parents are still resting. We should move quietly." he explained, beckoning Jim out of his room. The human nodded, silently following Spock out of the house, wondering if he should have stopped in the kitchen to get a bottle of water. But he didn't say anything. He was sure Spock would take his human needs into account, just as he had when they were living together on earth. Once they had exited the house, Jim felt comfortable enough to speak.

"What are you going to show me?"

"We will begin with the structure of our cities." Spock answered. "It will not teach you much about our culture, but the High Counsel found it essential that you get to know our city before bringing you to the religious places."

Jim nodded, following the Vulcan silently, listening to his explanations on architecture, why some houses were built high, and others low. They passed a market, and Spock showed Jim the different fruits and other food that were native to Vulcan. Jim found himself enjoying the little sight seeing tour until the sun reached its highest stand in the sky, burning down on his, making his skin itch with dryness. He could practically feel the sunburns developing on his skin.

"Spock, no offense, but I need to get into the shade and drink something, or I'm going to pass out." he finally said. If he spent any more time in this brooding heat, the consequences wouldn't be good.

Spock nodded, wordlessly leading Jim into what seemed to be a tea house of some sorts. Pillows surrounded small wooden tables that were so short legged they almost touched the floor. Spock sat down, and Jim mirrored his actions, thankful for the shade he was finally sitting in.

A young Vulcan came to their table, speaking to Spock in Vulcan. Spock replied, and the male walked away.

"I have ordered water for you. Normally I would advise you to drink something warm, for it would make you sweat more and cool your body down, but I see that my mother has supplied you with that cream she makes out of her flowers." Spock quirked a brow at the human sitting across from him.

"Yeah. She's a gift sent from god for me. I don't know if I'd fair half as good as I am doing right now without Amanda." Jim answered, grinning sheepishly. "..Thank you for taking me around town. I really enjoyed it."

"I am your guide, Mr. Kirk. I am simply doing what that implies. I am guiding you." Spock answered.

Jim nodded, accepting the water that was handed to him by the young Vulcan that had taken their order before, careful not to touch the man's skin, taking a sip from the glass, sighing in relief.

"Still. Thank you. I appreciate it. I know you would rather do something else." His words were met with a stiff silence, exactly what Jim had expected. He wasn't going to push the issue any further. He kept drinking, waiting until his body cooled down at least a little. He had no illusion that he was going to be comfortable on this planet during the day. But he would at least try to not faint on Spock by keeping his temperature tolerable.

"I believe it would be best to return to the house." Spock suddenly said, pulling Jim's attention back to the Vulcan.

"But we haven't seen half the city yet." He protested, his eyebrows furrowing.

"Mr. Kirk, do not take this as an insult but.. your skin seems highly irritated. I believe a human saying would be 'You look like a tomato.'"

"..Oh." Jim said, looking down at his hands, gently touching his face, for the first time noticing that the burning on his skin he had blamed on the heat got worse when he touched it. He was sunburned. "Must have forgotten to put on sunscreen."

"We can continue our journey another day. I believe that I can answer your questions to our culture at the house." Spock stood, placing some coins onto the table. Jim quickly stood up as well, taking a deep breath to brace himself for the heat outside.

Much to his relief, the house wasn't as far away as he had thought it would be, Spock leading him through different small allies that were obviously not only a short cut, but also laid mostly in shadow.

"I suggest you shower, and rest before we get together once more." Spock said as they had entered the hallway that lead to Jim's room. "I will tell mother to prepare lunch for you."

"Thank you Spock." Jim said, taking a deep breath. "Listen.. I know this isn't what you want to be doing. That its uncomfortable for you, and weird, and pretty awkward. But.. I appreciate that you do it anyway. I really look forward to spending time with you. I've missed you."

"..it would be wise to keep such emotional notions to yourself. It is not appreciated by my people when emotions are worded so bluntly. It would serve you well to not repeat such a statement." came the very cool answer, taking Jim aback for just a second.

"Of course." he finally said, giving Spock a small smile. At least he hadn't said that he hadn't missed him at all. "I'll see you later then, Spock."

"I will have my mother come for you when your lunch is prepared." Spock turned, leaving Jim behind in the cool hallway, vanishing from his view.

The human sighed, running fingers through his hair as he made his way into his room. How in the name of god. Was he going to break through the walls that Spock had built around himself?

And how was he going to do so without doing what he did best..

Being emotional.

* * *

So here's chapter 2. I hope you enjoyed it. And I also hope that my explanation why Amanda survived, despite it being somewhat vague, has satisfied everyone that was confused by her coming back.

Thank you for reading this chapter! Please drop a review or send me a message with feed back!

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


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